The Broken Beautiful

Don't give up on the ugly parts of your life: the things that make you cry at night or make you go numb on the inside. The broken bits of our lives may seem jagged and useless, but know that God is a stained-glass maker. He crafts masterpieces out of our shattered messes. And He is the sunshine streaming through the glass, bringing to life what once was dead and dark. He's got your pain, your life, your family, your future... it's all in His hands, being painstakingly fit together - the broken beautiful.

I am a mess. But my God crafts masterpieces from messes. Therefore I have hope. 

Reason vs. Wisdom, the Battle for Your Life

I stood at the dryer, folding my clothes. Dreaming. Cozy-warm shirts and socks matched the thoughts airing in my brain. High ambitions, wild ideas, and sweet hopes I couldn't put into words. 

Do you ever catch a couple voices arguing inside your head? Me too. This brain of mine is a battleground - voices parrying here and there, some defending, some attacking. And apparently whispering dreams are worthy of attack. Hey, hold on a sec, Reason countered my dreams. Before I chase mountain-top achievements and wild-eyed fancies I need to get my life under control. 

I nodded internally. Sounds legit.

No. 

A new voice flew by, chasing Reason down. 

I need to let Jesus have control of my life. And this newcomer tackled Reason with a bold twist of her own words. I'm pretty sure it was the Holy Spirit.

That, my friends, was World Reason vs. Wisdom - a classic battle.

I need to get my life under control became I need to let Jesus have control of my life.

This taking, this getting.... it clashes against the giving. The letting. 

Reason said I need to soldier through with my current tasks before I can chase whatever wild things I wish for my future. Reason said, learn to master your life; be in control of it. Then you will be strong enough and free enough to chase your dreams.

Wisdom said I need to surrender. I need to give up control and self defense, baring myself to the power of Christ. To obediently walk His path. Wisdom said, learn to loose your life. Then God's strength will carry you beyond your wildest dreams and into glory. Chase Christ. 

Remember my internal nod at the voice of reason? It's sad but true. World Reason sounds mighty becoming when it's the only force on the playing field. She sounds true - noble, even. 

And if the Holy Spirit and His Wisdom hadn't shown up, I probably would have followed reason. 

I'm a gullible girl, okay? And that's why it's vital for me to be saturated with the Word of God. His Word is where I find wisdom. His word sharpens my ears to His voice. His word is where I find nourishment so I don't gorge myself on empty world-junk-food.

His word is vital to me. 

Without it I pick up this life I've laid down and start hacking it around, chipping off corners and slicing into others. Without God's Word to show me how to lay down my life, I try to control it myself.

So, the Bible. And the Holy Spirit. And Wisdom. They're The Big Deal, guys. 

Chase them down for all you're worth. Lay down your life and chase Christ.

Because Christ? He. Is. Your. Life.

It's not a Balance Thing

I'm not an easy-going person. If I had to describe myself as either "laid back" or "up tight" it would definitely be the latter. Which means I'm very punctual, precise, self-motivated, and driven. My energy is either directed 100% towards a cause... or not at all.

So I've always struggled with this balance thing. 

See, I've read a lot of words and heard a lot of talks

that I've walked away from thinking that a "good Christian life" is a balance. 

The area that's on my heart right now is that of health, eating, and exercise. I believe many people are caught in idolatry - myself included - in this area. We either obsess over health and being fit - or throw our health out the window and obsess over eating. And remember how I said I'm an all-out driven person? So I find myself parked in either of these idol camps way, way, too often. Seeing as these two temples are located at opposite ends of the spectrum, it would seem that a healthy God-honoring place is in the middle. In the balance. 

But guess what. God talked to me. I was begging Him to be a good father to me because I'm such a lost little girl sometimes. I'll have to beg more often in the future, because He left me silly-stunned, blessed by Him.Thankfully I had my journal handy. This, my friends, is what I wrote. Raw from my journal, a shard of my heart.

I've been trying to find a balance between obsessing over food and obsessing over health/skinniness, but God just told me something. What if it's not a balance at all, but an all-out feast on God? What if the key is not controlling my actions/desires, but letting myself be controlled by Him? 

BAM! Mind blown. 

Because of course God isn't in the middle of this spectrum of idol camps. He's God, for goodness sake! And God's not in the same dimension as idols. He's got nothing in common with them. 

I refuse to believe that God is in the middle of a row of idols. 

If that thought weren't horrifying enough, I've found that I wasn't created to stand steady in the balance-middle-tightrope place. God made me with a drive to run somewhere far, and the legs to get me there. Remember my 100% or nothing tendency?

So. 

It's really that simple. Huh. 

Not money....God.

Not food.....God.

Not appearances.....God.

Not health......God.

Not friends....God.

But all those other things? God's word says they will be given to us after we seek God (His "kingdom and his righteousness") in Matthew 6:25-34. So we get to feast on God and get our physical human needs fulfilled. 

This anti-balance principle is written all over the Bible, now that my mind has been sufficiently blown. Take Colossians 2:21- 3:4, where Paul admonishes the Colossians for sticking to the dimension of this world, following it's rules, self-imposed worship, and harsh treatment of the body. He goes on to tell the Colossians to set their hearts - their want-to and motivation - on a different dimension. The dimension above this world, where Christ is. 

Guys, I'm sick and tired of this balance thing. I'm on a mission, 100%. An all-out feast. 

Towards God. 

Want to join me? It's gonna be a wild ride!

How to Turn This Shaking Life into Something Crazy-Beautiful

Sometimes my life seems to hang by a thread. This life - the one life I've been entrusted with - grows thin and shaky. Devoid of the fullness Christ died to give me. I struggle through my days, hoping circumstances will change. Because then my life will be robust and full. If things were different, I'd be happy. If things were better, my life would be worth so much more. 

Sometimes I look down and tell God that this thread I'm dangling from isn't enough. That it won't hold me, this fragile leaf of a life. 

Sometimes I squeeze my eyes tight closed when the wind spins me in crazy circles and I wish for calm. 

But in those moments of fear, I don't see the kolidescope of colors flashing around as I twirl dizzy. With eyes closed and wishing, I forget that Christ is holding me. I forget that this life, it's Christ. And Christ isn't a spiderweb that is likely to snap. 

I gave my life to Him, and now He's asking me to throw open my arms and laugh along with the winds that spin me to see God's grace all around. He's asking me to forget how thin my thread of a life looks and to remember that Christ gives me abundant life - because He is life Himself - and all I need to do is open my eyes clenched tight and see it. To forget my fear and live with abandon. Right now. 

I have to remind myself that abundant life can't be found in tomorrow. Abundant life wouldn't be life if it was in the yesterday, dead and gone. So somehow, I need to keep finding Christ's life - abundant, vibrant, giddy with joy life - in the now. 

Because this life...

is beautiful.

This Living Land

Picture an epic battle: good fighting evil. The noble king of light owns the turf, but the lord of the night has a heart blacker than death itself. He covets the beautiful and fruitful plot of land. The attack has been long, for the lord of the night is cunning and persistent, constantly bringing new strategies and weapons into play. His spies circle overhead, searching out weak spots in the defensive line. The battle, however, is not going as he hoped. Just like every other gorgeous pot of land owned by the king of light, this land is living. 

The lord of the night's eyes narrow and he grinds his teeth, staring at his minion Vaain tumble into a gaping crevice in the earth that had cracked open with a brilliant flash of light. Yet another, taken captive. He spins on his heel, cloak brushing a standard-bearer with flames a color deeper than black. The creature yelps and glowers, slinking away from his lord. 

"Send Leyzi to that weak spot on the north end," the lord of the night barks.

"You can count on me to keep things from getting done, my liege," purrs a creature nearby. He hoists two sets of shackles over his shoulder and slips metal pebbles labeled "x-cusiz" into his pockets. 

"Just don't get taken, you hear?" 

Leyzi bows and slinks away. 

Meanwhile on the side of light, the living land is busy pushing waves of the living water from its source - the words pouring from the king of light's mouth - to every drying acre of ground. The water heals, satisfies, and energizes everything it washes against, creating a mosaic of vibrant green flowing from the source - the king. Every time the ground pulses or shifts, guiding the living water to thirsty corners, it knocks dark agents of the lord of the night off their feet. The very force giving life to the land sends waves of confusion through the ranks of snarling black minions. 

If you were watching this battle from afar, your eyes would be drawn to two things. One is a glowing cloud hovering over the whole battle. This cloud is the very spirit of the king of light, and it sends messages enclosed in glistening raindrops to the ground, pointing out areas the enemy has broken through and encouraging the land to take as many captives as possible. This leads to the second noticeable thing - flashes of light that dance over the battlefield. Every time the cloud pricks the land with a prompting to fight or to take a minion captive, the land responds, splitting open to capture the enemy. And inside, underneath the land, there is light.

The land is very busy, you see. Very busy fighting and growing and listening and being... And have you figured it out yet my friends? That living land is very real, that king and dark lord and battle are closer than the air we breathe. The living land is my mind. (And yours if you are a child of God) The battle is raging inside of me, and I've heard the very words of the king of light: For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every prevention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5)

It's the reality, folks. This living land. 

White Flag

I started a post on surrender, trying to force the words. How silly of me. And when they didn't come I laid my head down, dejected. Useless. Then in the quiet I heard a voice.

True surrender is not doing what you think I want you to do.

An authentic white flag is the exposing of yourself. Surrender is the abandonment of all self-preservation in the presence of one more powerful than you. Surrender is, in essence, turning over your own life and will to someone else's hands. 

Because when I surge ahead, living my life like I think God wants me to, I'm still living my own life.

When I obey His leading only when it is comfy or cool, I'm just fitting obedience into my life whenever I want to. 

No. Surrender doesn't look like that. Surrender looks like turning in my old life in exchange for the new. Surrender means dying to what I was so that Christ's resurrection power can come to life in me. 

Surrender is most definitely a kind of death. But what kind of a God would call His followers to present each moment as a waving white flag? A good God, that's who. Because my God - the God who calls me to daily surrender - has a better life to give me. I've learned that when I give up my life to Christ, He gives me His life in return. 

When I surrender, it is no longer I who lives, but Christ in me. 

And that's what a white flag is. 

A humbling, 

uncovering, 

dying of myself 

so that one more powerful than I can live.

Here.

He is here. 

Blank screen, pulsing line. Cursor.

He is here.

Not scolding in the past, or waiting in the future, but here.

Now. 

And more loving than the world and bigger than life and more real than the ground under my feet.

Unimaginable. 

Do you comprehend that word? Unable to be imagined. 

Let that sink in a second.

Because the ground under my feet is only holding me up with the attraction of minuscule molecules, one to another, keeping wood particles whole.

He holds those molecules together.

And He is here. 

Can you imagine someone more real than reality, a fifth dimension, ten thousand new colors and bigger than the biggest universe? 

And He holds those molecules together, under my feet.

And He is here.

"I am," He said. 

He is. 

He is not "I was," nor "the great I will be" 

"I am who I am."

Because the only thing that's real right now is something that is here. In this moment. 

He is. Here. Now. Holding together the molecules under your feet and loving you more than you could ever comprehend. 

Let that sink in a second.

And if the Great I Am is here, holding together wooden floors and loving and being Himself - ginormous and brilliant and stronger than strong and infinitely, wondrously, good - then who are we to fret and question and worry and complain? 

He is here. 

And that is enough. 

**************

If you want more info on the subject and/or the story behind God calling Himself "I Am", you can look it up in Exodus  3:1-14. :)

An Adventure of My Own

I've been hearing and reading and seeing lots of adventure lately. From Narnia to the Avengers to Inheritance to Hunger Games... and this saturation has made me long for adventure of my own. 

But this morning, that all changed. 

This morning I realized that I do have an adventure - the adventure of a believer, a walk with God. Paul, in 1Timothy 6:12, states, "Fight the good fight of the faith." So I'm not only in a great adventure, but also smack in the midst of a fight, a battle, a war.

God has given me a mission, and there is a very real battlefield here, before my eyes. Not only that, but as Lucy, Edmund, and Caspian faced inward struggles as the sea and evil played tricks on their mind on the Dawn Treader, I too have a multitude of battles to fight in my mind. Last night I was almost defeated by a self-imposed monster of failure lurking in my head, and the only thing that saved me was a supernatural wave that knocked me to my knees to pray. This morning I fought the deceivingly beautiful army of distraction, and struggled to see past a mist of confusion. 

Yes, I do have an adventure of my own. I have battles to fight and missions to fulfill. It's all very real. Very, very real. 

Take, for example, school. My schoolwork is a precarious mountain I must scale, being ever alert in order to dodge misses of laziness and distraction.

Pinterest is a beautiful forest filled with land mines of comparison and covetousness, with vines reaching to ensnare me in a tangle of self-worth. Through this forest I choose to wade, searching for hidden gems of wisdom and usefulness. 

Every meal is an obstacle course of choices, ranging from puddles of veggies or fruit to barbed wire fences of over-eating. 

Conversations, too, are battles. Will I speak Jesus-talk, or will Satan seduce me into dark loaded words and fiery, searing comments? 

Is it no wonder that I often find myself spiritually exhausted? I think not. In fact, I am presenting to you that grumbles and haughty looks don't stem from nothing. They are, I believe, side effects of wounds I receive on the battlefield. 

When I take my eyes from the end goal in my adventure - Jesus - I instantly become vulnerable to attacks from the enemy, Satan. A brilliant foe, he grabs every opportunity to wound my faith, set back my growth, and plant discouragement in my heart while my eyes are wandering. Thankfully, my Father knows what it is like to be human* so He gave me a Helper** who lives inside me and guides me back to my Father when I stray or falter. Not only that, but there are also awesome invisible agents of God - angels - that are mysteriously working against Satan and his cohorts as well.  

Life is a joy, true. But it is also a journey, an adventure, a battle. Whose side are you on? Have you been living as if every moment is a battle for Christ?

P.S. More on this outfit next week, yes?

* because He came to earth on the first Christmas as Jesus!

** otherwise known as the Holy Spirit